Self-Reflection and Responsibilities: Relationship Reality Check PT2
- LaFern Cusack
- Aug 22, 2023
- 3 min read
Updated: Aug 31, 2023
Step into the latest episode of "Relationship Reality Check," where Dr. Phil delves into the heart of relationships, unveiling the profound significance of self-reflection and the weight of responsibilities within them. Brace yourself for an eye-opening journey as Dr. Phil propounds the essence of a 100/100 mindset—a symbiotic dance where both partners wholeheartedly embrace accountability for their actions.
Drawing from the wellspring of Dr. Gottman's groundbreaking research, Dr. Phil unearths six telltale markers that cast an uncannily accurate 90% prediction on the fate of marriages. But fear not, for the path to enlightenment and transformation begins with you. The spotlight turns onto your own relationship canvas as Dr. Phil invites you to unravel personalized profiles, offering a poignant glimpse into the inner workings of your partnership.
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Self-Reflection and Responsibility: Relationship Reality Check PT2
The Four Horsemen by The Gottman Institute SOURCE: The Gottman Institute by Ellie Lisitsa
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
They actually occur in that order, it starts out with criticism and then contempt for the other person, which draws defensiveness from the other person and then they wind up just stonewalling. It is just like the garage door comes down and now you're just talking to a wall conversation dries up. "I got nothing to say to you." They shut down mentally, emotionally physically, and typically withdraw from the situation, so the four horsemen, or criticism contempt defensiveness.
"What Is your pattern of communication with your significant other?"
Are you ready to embrace a new kind of thinking, a new belief system, a new way of looking at yourself and your partner?
Answer the following questions:
Can you forget what you think you know about managing relationships?
Can you decide to measure the quality of your relationship based on results instead of intentions or promises?
Can you decide that you would rather be happy than right?
Can you stop playing the blame game and recognize that it is a new day?
Can you be willing to move your position on how you approach and engage your partner?
Can you be willing to get real and be honest with yourself, about yourself, no matter how painful it is?
Can you stop the denial and be completely, totally honest about the state of your current relationship? If you answer no to any of these questions, stop and take the time to figure out why you're still hanging on to this destructive mindset, then describe specifically what it will take to change that "no" into a "yes."
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Relationship Reality Check
Communicating with Emotional Integrity
If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner. Dr. Phil suggests using the steps below in order to communicate with emotional integrity.
Give or receive input.
Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.
Reflect content and feelings.
After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he/she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc."
Accept feedback and respond.
If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
Stay in the moment.
Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.
Do not leave.
Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
Additional Resources & Videos:
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute: Relationship Behaviors that Lead to Failure
Making Marriage Work with Dr. John Gottman
(Exercise Below: Click to view and download)
How To Lead A Meaningful Life
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